EDITORIAL AS OF FEBRUARY 17

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Few media have the potential of movies when it comes to screwing up. Hundreds of people are involved in the production, and while the key grip or gaffer would have to be blind, illiterate and chained to an iron lung to shipwreck a production, the director, producer, company, editor or even music composer has often been known to single-handedly destroy a concept. Ah, yes, the chain of cinema has many weak links indeed.

The only chance of survival for a molested movie is having a low budget. Why? Because a skinny turkey has greater chances of escaping through the narrow doors of cult cinema than a $20,000,000 fat turkey, who will be stranded on the street and eventually be eaten by hobos. Yes, this time the Encyclopedia Obscura editorial is about the poor little rich kids of cinema.

B&R eliminates Citizen Kane
In this category, Batman and Robin is king. It has been said that B&R is an anti-movie (everything a movie shouldn't be), and that if it's placed next to Citizen Kane in a DVD collection, they will null each other out in a flash of blue light, leaving a blank space on the shelf. Since I don't own Citizen Kane, I haven't been able to test this (B&R came with the player, all right?), but based on this theory, I have developed a hypothesis called The High-Concept Cinema Anti-Field Phenomenon.

How HCCAFP occurs is unknown, but the effects are clearly visible: When a film is shot within the anti-field, every effort gives a result that's the opposite of what is intended: Batman & Robin had a gigantic budget, but still the visual effect shots seem to be nicked from a computer game introduction. This is because every dollar put into the box inverts itself and becomes an anti-dollar, thus harming the final product. The phenomenon also affects the crew; Joel Schumacher directed the best vampire movie ever (Lost Boys), but that doesn't help him a bit within the field.


You little bitch, Robin
Other movies created within an anti-field include Lost in Space, Armageddon, Volcano and Godzilla (Hollywood remake). These disaster movies (wu-huh-huh) all had gigantic advertising campaigns, trailers that promise the world (Volcano also throws in the moon if you order now) and visual effects that are supposed to be better than sex. While the only movie that comes close to having an anti-field of B&R's intensity is Godzilla, they all rank highly on the "no center, all surface"-scale, and should be avoided at all cost.

The conclusion: When big movies reek, they reek bad. When small movies reek, they don't yell "I'm so big! I'll eat the world if you don't like me! I cost four hundred million dollars!" while they're at it. Therefore, small bad movies are better than big bad movies. And small bad movies are the topic of this update. Enjoy.

Per Arne Sandvik, webmaster

PS:
All right, all right, Bram Stoker's Dracula is the best vampire movie ever. Happy now?

PPS:
BWAAAH!!! Christ, my Darth Vader coffee cup just moved into my hand when I reached for it! Jesus, that freaked my out! For a split second there I wondered if I had Jedi powers, but concluded that my desk is out of level, and that my neighbor has washed my cup while I wasn't looking (water accumulates inside it and drips out from the bottom, making it slippery). Whuh!