BIBLE ADVENTURES Jan 23 2002

Platform: NES
Developer: Wisdom Tree

Wisdom Tree gives us not one, but three amazing games in one cartridge! My god, will the fun ever end?

Yes.

NOAH'S ARK

You control Noah, and your mission is of course to gather two animals of each species. Then you have to gather seven animals of every species (to eat, you know). After that, you're probably supposed to find some fruit and potatoes (if you're going to repopulate the planet, you'd better avoid dying from scurvy), but I never really found out, as the game simply is too boring to play for more than ten minutes.

You'd think gathering animals would be difficult, but in fact, Noah was a mighty man. After all, if you're going to be over 800 years old, you would probably work up some serious muscle mass as time goes by: To get the animals into the ark, you carry them above your head. Two bulls and a horse? Piece of cake. The only problem occurs when you leap the platforms up to the ark, as you drop the bulls every time you jump.

Like in Super 3D Noah's Ark, you can calm animals down by throwing fruit at them, except this time you throw coconuts and gigantic hazel nuts to put their lights out. Most people would find it pretty disturbing to see an old geezer throw a coconut at an unsuspecting raccoon and then drag it into his boat, but after playing games like this for hours I only reacted from an analytical point of view.

This game even includes male cows and female oxen.
Noah demonstrates the delicate art of balancing a horse, a pig and a coconut on top of a banana. A blackbird is calmed down after being hit by a hazel nut twice the size of its head.

BABY MOSES

As Miriam, sister of Moses, you have to carry the newborn infant down the Nile and put him in a basket so he will drift away from Egyptians that are out to kill all Jewish male babies. That Wisdom Tree never bothered to look up Miriam's name (which would also reveal to them that the job was done by her mother) doesn't affect the game much: All the historical accuracy in the world couldn't save this one. Carrying a baby around is frustrating enough, but should you be unfortunate enough to accidently throw him in the river (or on purpose, for that matter), you have to finish the level just to receive the message "Good work, but you forgot Baby Moses", and the level starts over again. If you don't take the easy way out and kill yourself, of course.

Note to Miriam:
If you're going to put your baby brother in a camouflaged straw basket and send him down the Nile, why the hell do you have to carry him above you head through an entire Egyptian town and promote him to everybody first?!?

The Egyptians were famous for their hydraulic spring plates. They used these to jump up on clouds and pick up the bible verses they found up there, as the verses gave them extra energy.
The mighty Miriam picks up an Egyptian to throw him at the deranged and cross-eyed Nile spider.

DAVID AND GOLIATH

I'm not really sure if you ever meet Goliath in this game, as two levels of sheep-carrying was enough for me to turn the game off. This was in the days before German sheepdogs, so David had to carry his sheep around to save them from lions. Sounds familiar?

Yes, this is Noah's Ark all over again, without the cows and raccoons. This makes this game even more boring, as the only thing that drove you to finish a level in Noah's Ark was that you maybe could see Noah carry a baby giraffe over his head in the next.

David is surrounded by a lion and a squirrel. I tried climbing the tree to avoid the lion, but the squirrel knocked me down, and the lion got me anyway. It never touched the sheep, of course.

This is probably the worst thing I have ever witnessed. In fact, I had to draw Phil throwing Baby Moses in the Nile just to get even and make my life normal again.

Links
- Info from official Site