KABUKI QUANTUM FIGHTER Jan 23 2002

Platform: NES
Developer: KAL

In the year 2056, someone or something is blocking the access to the backup files of the main defense computer. Scott O'Conner is connected to a computer, and by converting his mind into raw data, he enters the circuits of the mainframe to stop whatever is invading the system. For some reason, when he awakes inside the computer, he has been transformed into a Kabuki actor. For all the ignorant people out there unfamiliar with the Kabuki art form, I have included this explanation from the organization KABUKI for EVERYONE:

Kabuki is a traditional form of Japanese theater. It was founded early in the 17th century by Okuni, a shrine maiden who brought her unique and lively dance style to the dry river beds of the ancient capital of Kyoto, and over the next 300 years developed into a sophisticated, highly stylized form of theater. Though Kabuki was created by a woman, since early on all roles have been taken by men. Men who play the roles of women are referred to as 'onnagata' female role specialists. [...] Kabuki plays and dances may be about grand historical events or the everyday life of people in the Edo period (1600-1868). For each play, though, the sets, music, costumes and other factors combine to create the fantastic world of Kabuki.

In other words, O'Conner was transformed into a Japanese drag queen. Why? Because his great grandfather was one. Don't ask.

Dear lord, it's a flame throwing digital head with Ray-Bans! Better hit it with my hair!
Now, this is where things start getting strange. First of all, you don't look like a geisha at all. You're this weird guy in a judo suit, and your hair is flaming red and three feet long. This mighty mullet is your weapon against enemies that could have looked like computer viruses from space, had they not been spitting images of bad guys from Ninja Gaiden. And of course, there are the obligatory giant fire-spitting heads. But all this actually makes the game quirky enough to remind me of Japanese art films, which makes it all very entertaining. In fact, this game isn't half bad at all, the graphics are ok and the controls are pretty good. Plus, being able to hit people with your hair is something you don't experience every day.

To shed light on some subjects, I approached Scott O'Conner for an interview. To do this, I hooked up to my NES console using a fork, a coaxial cable and a colander (illustration below). Thus, I was able to upload my thoughts into the Kabuki cartridge. Warning! Since a NES cartridge has the storage capacity of 32 kilobytes, the sheer amount of raw data your brain contains could easily exceed the max limit. Never try this yourself, as your personality could be scattered all around limbo if the cartridge circuitry is scorched. Super Mario Bros. 3 is impossible to enter, as the game already fills up the entire 32Kb limit.

Since my mind was practically blank after I had spent six hours writing about stupid Bible games, I ventured an attempt:

When I awoke inside the cartridge, I discovered that my mind looks like an 8-bit pantomime with an invicible club, since my grandfather was a whaler before he retired, and he once passed Alaska on one of his journeys. Alaska is a part of the USA, where there are mimes. Phil turned purple, because his great grandmother once was painted purple by a stage magician. Before long, we ran into Scott.

Erm... May I help you?
Hi there, Scott. We're from the Encyclopedia Obscura, and wondered if you could answer some questions.
Well, sure. I guess.
Great. First of all, what kind of name is Kabuki Quantum Fighter anyway? Who not Improv Multitude Warrior or Shakespearean Numerous Asskicker? I can't see the point...
Well, first of all it's not quantum as in quantity. It's more like in quantum leap.
So... You mean you travelled in time, like that guy Scott Bakula?
Hmmm... No.
What about the Kabuki part?
My great grandfather was a famous Kabuki actor.
Well, the thing is, looking at your business card, it strikes me how Irish you look. And the name Scott O'Conner... I mean, you could just as well be called Seamus O'Lager.
Your point being..?
It just strikes me as more probable that your great grandfather was a starving potato farmer that moved to the states during the first wave of immigration.
Hi. Mind if I join you guys?
Who the hell are you?
Knight in Shining Armor. I'm from Ghosts'n'Goblins.
Your name is Knight in Shining Armor?
Yeah. GOD, I hate my game. Not only have I got the lamest name in the history of console gaming, I have also got the cruddiest armor ever. One hit, and I'm running around in my underwear. Glad to be out!
How did you get out, anyway?
The last time you played my crap-ass game, I grabbed the contact pads in the console, and held on like there was no tomorrow. I was hoping to be able to jump into an easier game the next time somebody put a cartridge in.
Hey, you're crowding the cartridge! We'll crash is people keep jumping in like this!
Oh, come on, I'm like four sprites big. Let me tell you, that's another thing I hate about my game. I'm so poorly animated, I look like a skinny ewok in a goddamned white jogging suit when I run. And another thing...
I don't care, just get the hell out of my game!
Erm... By the way, why are you undressed all of a sudden?
Your hamster bit me.
...
HEY, KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR! GET THE HELL BACK HERE! YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE OFF LIKE THAT, YOU TIT!
Oh, brother...
Who the hell are you?
I'M A GOBLIN FROM LEVEL 2.
Doesn't ring a bell...
WELL NO SHIT, YOU NEVER MADE IT PAST THOSE FLESH-EATING PLANTS! I'VE BEEN SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR YOU SINCE 1985! NOW GET YOUR HIDE BACK TO G&G!
...
WHAT THE...
I think he stubbed his toe.
FIGURES.
Hey, listen, do you think you can get him back to your game? He's starting to give me a headache.
ERR... YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD COME INSTEAD? I MEAN, I'M PRACTICALLY BORED OUT OF MY OWN HEAD, AND THIS GUY DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO CLIP HIS OWN TOENAILS WITHOUT KILLING HIMSELF.
No. Please take him with you before he starts over.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU AROUND.
Hey, Scott, no offence, but this is starting to take off, and I really think I should go to bed...
Sure. After this, I'd better grab a lie-down myself.

So sadly, I never was able to figure out the concept of this game. But, as I said, it's pretty good, you should give it a shot. And stay the hell away from Ghosts 'n' Goblins!