SUPER 3D NOAH'S ARK Jan 19 2002

Platform: SNES
Developer: Wisdom Tree

Wisdom Tree makes another attempt at beefing up biblical messages with this Wolfenstein clone - or should I say Wolfenstein conversion? This is the SNES version of Wolf 3D, only with new graphics and sound. Rumor has it Id was pissed off after Nintendo butchered their game, and gave Wisdom Tree the rights to make the only unlicensed Super Nintendo cartridge in history.

What confuses me about Wisdom Tree (aside from the evidently random order of words in Super 3D Noah's Ark) is their choice of company name. Does it refer to the Tree of Knowledge in the Genesis? The one who introduced the concept of evil to man? You know, the tree where the Devil (or a devil, anyway) lived in the form of the Serpent? The symbol and leading metaphor for moral decay and fall of both man and Paradise might not be an ideal name for a company, guys.

However, the name is pretty apt if you think about it. Their game Sunday Funday is a good example: Not even Grand Theft Auto 3 includes a kid that kills old ladies. In fact, no other game in this plane of reality gets even close to being screwed up enough to feature granny-killing kids on their way to Sunday school. How could nobody, not one single person, in the Wisdom Tree crew stop for a moment and think "Hey, which side in the Eternal Battle are we on, anyway?"

Well, back to the game. The arrival at Mount Ararat is only six days away, but the animals on the ark are growing restless. To settle them down, you have to walk through the ark and feed them fruit by slinging it at them. If you feed them enough food, they will go to sleep.

"Ate... an... entire... grape... Must... sleep... The... revolution... is... over... for... my... part... zzzzz... And the Lord said unto Noah: Feed Carl the Camel three melons and two score grapes, or he shall surely smite thee.
I distinctly remember that Noah collected two animals of every species when he built the ark. Then why the hell is level one packed with goats upon goats and nothing else? In fact, there are only around ten species in the entire game, and in numbers that indicate that they have been reproducing like hormone-enhanced rabbits on amphetamine. How on earth are ostriches able to rapid-spit? And why aren't Carl the Camel or Ernie the Elephant mentioned anywhere in the Bible? This game confuses me.

Actually, this game has screwed my head up so badly, nightmares about action-packed religious games similar to Super 3D Noah's Ark have started tormenting me at night. Here are some hypothetical conversions that are guaranteed to have been better than S3DNA:

Oops... Out of grapes, better feed him some wheat.
Hey, if you're hungry enough to join a revolution, how come you just dropped a goddamn crate full of grapes?

NIRVANA RACERS

You have eight characters to choose from: Seven Dalai Lama incarnations and Richard Gere. The goal is to cross the finish line in your own tempo, thus reaching nirvana. This means the average lap time is close to ten years, except if you play as the current Dalai Lama, who rushes along like a deranged hog on a wild hunt for truffles.

OBZTACKLE

You control the Hindu god Ganesh, Remover of Obstacles. The evil Shiva has kidnapped Ganesh's girlfriend Sarasvati, and you have to go through 100+ levels to rescue her. The levels are filled with obstructing blocks that you have to push around to make your way to the end. To receive the special Karma Bonus, collect all the popsickles on each stage.

WITCH HUNT

As witch hunter Ezekiel Bob Nashville, it is your duty to ensure that your state is witch free within the next sabbath. Shoot the witches down with your shotgun True, and your dog Faithful drags them over to the bonfire.
Links:
- Info from official site