16-BIT MAN SEX March 28 2003

You know, the first thing I did when I started up this site was to draw Phil the hamster. I knew roughly what I had in mind theme-wise, but I needed a starting point when it came to image and design. I drew Phil in different poses to have someone looking back at me as I was working, and I thus used Phil-style graphics to work out the look of the site. While he's still in all the headers and makes a cameo appearance here and there, I've pretty much abandoned the little rodent. I've tried other mascots and themes: LEGO Alan Rickman, C3PO, giant CGI snakes (that one is probably not a closed chapter yet)... A recurring element that identifies the site, a recognizable brand. Lately, I've come to accept that this probably is what comes to the the general public's mind when they think of the EO:

Samson. This happy camper is the star of the Cho Aniki article found at this site. This particular piece is not only by far the most frequently read article I've ever written, it's also the number one hit if you do a Google search on the game. Also, it's the gayest SNES game in existence. And herein lies my dilemma: for some reason, this site is the Internet honey to gay bees. It's a big gay digital block of rotating kebab meat to the drunk gay hungry man on his way home from the disco.

I'm not sure if that last sentence was a sentence at all, but what I'm saying is that whenever someone is out to find 'homoerotic encyclopedia' or 'bob saget gay pron' or 'homoerotic animated gifs' or 'gay dancers' or 'david hasselhoff anal sex,' I know first-hand where they end up. Long story short: the people who come here looking for man sex damn near outnumber those who want to read about what's actually here, and the only possible straight-porn search that's ever resulted in a hit is 'kirstie alley grabbing breasts.' And that's assuming the searcher is male and that the grabbed breasts are Kirstie's own. It's time to throw up one's hands and say 'All right, if that's what you want, that's what I'll give you.' It's time for more of the gay.

And while we're listing search strings, I would like to ask the person who dumps by searching for 'robin hood merry men porn' four times a month to please stop trying. If you haven't found your gay Sherwood porn yet, you're probably not meant to.

I swear I'm not kidding here: the last three times I refreshed this page to check my progress, the random image window on the left displayed three out of the four gay-joke images I've put in the random folder. There are about one hundred and fifty images in that folder. Something funny is going on with this site. And not the 'ha-ha' kind of funny. The 'gay' kind of funny.

You're not going to believe me, but guess what showed up when I refreshed to check that last paragraph.

DIRTY CHALLENGER MUSCLE MAN

Before I dive into this one, I need to go through the old 'I have no problems with gay people' routine to protect myself from being swamped in angry reader mail from straight people who feel they need to protect gay people. I have nothing against gay people. In fact, I don't think I have the right to have anything against gay people. This is written in the name of humor and information and to point out the absurdity of phalli and anal sex in Nintendo games. So none of your beeswax.

Dirty Challenger is of course from Japan. And when I say 'of course', I'm not referring to the fact that the majority of SNES games were made in Japan. What I'm referring to is the fact that whenever your TV screen is filled with insane crap that you don't understand, it's either from Japan or the Netherlands. And since extremely few, if at all any, games are from the Netherlands, in this case the suspect lineup is a lonely one.

The object of the game is to win a wrestling championship by having man sex until your opponents pass out. Since I don't read Japanese, I am of course just assuming this is the object of the game. Admittedly, there are some non-gay attacks in the game, and most of the characters are at least partly dressed, but the various hold attacks available spell a three-letter word that starts with 'G' and ends with 'Y'. It's not 'G-U-Y' and it's not 'G-O-Y'.

If you're about to say 'Yeah, yeah, take two frames and loop them, and you can push things in pretty much any direction you want,' let me assure you that I've carefully matched the speed of the animation, and that these attacks can go on as long as you allow them. If you want to let your opponent keep ramming you until you drop, nobody's stopping you. G-A-Y.

GOURMET SENTAI BARA YAROU

Gourmet is a lot like Double Dragon, only Double Dragon isn't about fighting gay robots and stealing the food they carry and then bring the food to a robot chef who dishes out a candlelight dinner for you.

One of the first things I noticed about this game was the function of the A button. If you push the A button, your character stands still and flexes his muscles with a stupid grin on his face. (If you play as the female character she shows off her ass, but that's a completely different article altogether.) If you then proceed to push the directional pad around, he takes different sizzly poses. Function? No function. I'd make an interactive Flash animation so you could try it out, but I don't know how to make one. Instead, I took a few different poses and made a YMCA lineup. I'll be the first to admit the 'M' and the 'A' are a little far-fetched, but I'm satisfied considering the material I had to work with.

One type of enemy I encountered while picking up mushrooms and lobsters for my brunch was Giant Floating Mechanical Head. This guy is controlled by a miniature man on top of him, and he attacks you by giving fellatio.

All right, before you lash out and tell me I'm an over-interpreting nutjob who sees what he wants to see and that when you're a giant head there's little more you can do than bite people, let me point out that there are plenty other body parts to pick from and that if I were to bite someone in the crotch, I would bite hold and shake my head violently from side to side to rip the scrotum apart rather than push my head sensually back and forth. Now who's the nutjob?

While telling what the various enemies in this game are supposed to look like can be a bit tricky, their gender is usually a pretty unconsealed deal. Penis penis penis. Well, except that second guy from the left. There's not really anything genital about him, but I felt sorry for him. I mean, look at him. He needs all the attention he can get. The gentleman to his right is a man with a bomb where his penis would usually be, and he likes to land on people's heads and explode. The one on the far right? No idea whatsoever, but if you're planning to use the nick 'Cyborg Duck Penis Panda Cat' over at some forum, I've got an avatar for you. The guy on the far left is all about the cock. He likes to put his needle in you and squirt you full of piping hot juice.

That's it for now, I'd better start working on my term paper. I know this one turned out a little on the short side, but I suspect there might be a 'part 2' sometime in the future. Be sure to check out the other gay stuff this site has to offer by clicking the icons on the bottom of this page, and I'll see you all in a while. Until then, here are more of those sexy dirty challenger muscle men.

By the way, is that pose on the left even physically possible?

LOCAL:

CHO ANIKI - BAKURETSU RANTOU HEN
This time, you're in for a real treat. EO presents Cho Aniki - extravagant homoeroticism from NCS. Seriously. It's a very very gay game.

BASTARD!!
Give a million monkeys a million typewriters and infinite time, and you'll get the complete Shakespeare. Serve them piņa coladas, and you get Bastard!!

THE HORROR!
Nintendo can censor all they want; Some 'inappropriate' elements will always pass through unnoticed. Some are deliberate, some a product of idiots.

SAMURAI ZOMBIE NATION
The world's first game concerning samurais and zombies without featuring either! They said it couldn't be done, Meldac proved them wrong.