DRINKING ANACONDA INTO BRILLIANCE February 17 2002

Our mission: to boldly flip channels where noone has flup before.

After Gunhild, my webhost and neighbor, woke up after an after-dinner nap (amazingly enough, without eating dinner or breakfast), we discovered that the movie Anaconda was on. Since I had already had a beer in the shower, we decided to keep drinking until the movie inverted itself into a masterpiece and Jon Voight started looking like Angelina Jolie.

Before long, we discovered that we had started watching in the middle of the movie, and had to resort to drinking games to be able to get buzzed before it was over. Gunhild suggested we could drink a big gulp whenever J-Lo got wet and when one of us by accident referred to her as 'Jennifer Lopez'. Soon enough, we were laughing at the shape of J-Lo's ass and the physical impossibility of Ice Cube staying afloat with all his jewelry, but Jon Voight was eaten before he even got close to resembling his daughter. Then J-Lo managed to get wet three times in the last five minutes of the movie, and we got in shape just in time to get enthusiastic about our project: The time had come to seek more crap.

Damn you and your shenanigans, Leonard!

After thirty seconds of America's Dumbest Criminals, it dawned upon us that we weren't even close to being drunk enough to handle crap of this caliber. Heck, we weren't even able to find a Hallmark movie with a cute-as-a-cat-sneeze kid funny. We had aimed too high, and were in it up to our eyebrows.

To make matters worse, Leonard Cohen almost ruined our mission one minute later. Cohen is one of the greatest songwriters of all time, and when we discovered he was a guest at Later on BBC Prime, we had to put our experiment aside and watch him. Halfway through Dance Me to the End of Love, we were close to losing our enthusiasm; Gunhild even started growing a melancholic smile. We knew we were in trouble.

But Lady Fortuna smiled upon us and gave us one of the episodes of MadTV that has more than one good sketch (that's pretty frigging close to a miracle, let me tell you). Actually, there was only on bad sketch, and that one included references to J-Lo's ass and Ice Cube. Spooky! After this moral uplift we felt we could conquer the world, and boldly flipped over to the Chuck Norris action movie Missing in Action 3.

Fun fact: Chuck Norris is president Bush's favorite actor, which probably means that Walker, Texas Ranger is his favorite show. Sleep tight.

Now, I don't know what Missing in Action 1 and 2 were about, but apparently the third installment is about Norris being led to believe his wife died in Vietnam. Ten years later, a mysterious priest tells him she's still alive, but for reasons that elude me, the CIA and Vietnamese terrorists want to keep him from finding her. On his way to find his wife, Norris picks up an annoying sidekick that only stops yelling "whoooooooa!" and "Oooof!" to stumble through sentences that are supposed to sound British. If the actor who played him should, against all odds, be reading this, I have provided the following message to him:

British people actually use the word 'car'. If I ever find an Englishman who refers to his jeep as an 'aaauto-meubeeleh', I'll personally fly to Texas and give you a foot massage. And despite what you might think, Brits don't have the magical power of rising an 'aeereu-plane' from sea-level to 2000 feet in two seconds! Damn you!

To speed things up, we decided to drink every time an actor uttered a cliché. Before the first commercial break, we were almost out of beer. Then Norris got wet. The experiment was over.

Ah, bless his little cotton socks.

The conclusion: Anaconda was fun. Norris wasn't. Alright, I laughed pretty hard when the Vietnamese maniac tortured him by electrocuting his beard, but that's pretty much it. In fact, we weren't even able to stay awake to see the end of that Texan piece of crap. Anaconda, on the other hand, includes a monster snake that catches a free-falling Englishman by the face and pulls him back up. You can't beat that. Add a Jon Voight who appears to have a piece of lint up his nose while frozen in time, and you've got a winner. And don't forget the scene where the anaconda spews him back up and he winks at J-Lo and leans his soggy head on her crotch (yes, that qualifies as getting wet) before he dies. Ah, you've gotta love that guy.

Note: I just discovered that Jon Voight never was in Anaconda in the first place. In fact, they used Babe technology to superimpose an animated mouth onto a cardboard cut-out of him while the dolly grip stood behind it and talked into his sleeve. Anaconda is still a better movie than Missing in Action 3, so don't get any ideas, Chuck!