FUTUREKICK July 23 2002

I have told you before, but I have to address this one more time: knowing what to let seep through the 'obscure' filter can sometimes be tough. To me, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson's escapades are as unknown as my mother's sexual preferences, and after watching today's object of reviewal, Futurekick, I really don't think that's a bad thing. Cultural differences are usually the main reason behind my doubt - many of you guys from the US of A probably know every little subplot and minor character from G.I. Joe, while all I know is what I can extract from this advertisement found in a Star Wars comic book:

If any of you Yanks could e-mail me and explain what exactly that guy on the left means by 'lick Cobra,' I'd be grateful. I'd give him the benefit of doubt if he wasn't the twin of that guy who was grabbing Proctor's ass in Police Academy 2, but he is. Help me build a bridge between our beatifully different cultures and plant the seed for a better and colourful tomorrow.

Usually, I just throw all concerns aside and write about whatever I think might be news to other people as well. And if you find something here that you might even own yourself, that's not really a bad thing. Not only does familiar ground help the hit count of a site increase, but the fact that someone else has been in your place might also help You the Reader feel like less of a freak of nature for secretly desiring a Moses action figure.

I should stop writing these at four in the morning. Right now, talking nonesense is far more appealing than wading through two hundred and fifty images of Don Wilson. All right, I'll get to the point. This movie is produced by Roger Corman, who I've been told is quite an acknowledged person in the industry. I may be a movie buff, but I must admit I'm in a rocking boat whenever Corman is discussed. It's just like Robert Mitchum. I never am able to glue his face to the proper section of my brain, so pretty much every western actor south of Eastwood becomes Robert Mitchum. I could probably try to convince you I really didn't mean to put all those directions into that last sentence, but you probably wouldn't believe me. Anyway, my point is, I've probably seen ten more Robert Mitchum movies than you people.

Right, the movie. It's the year 2025, and everyone with money has moved to the moon, leaving the Earth a place where, according to the synopsis on the back of the cover, "survival is the only fight in life." To help keep the criminals at bay, the government creates the cleverly named Cyberons, android warriors. After a while, the Cyberons discover the government is corrupt, and the government tries to deactive them all by sending out specially trained agents called Bladerunners. All right, they're not really called Bladerunners, I lost my notes.

I guess it's pretty obvious by now that this movie steals pretty much every plot element from Ridley Scott's Bladerunner. The rest, including the music, is from Terminator. Don Wilson plays one of the aforementioned Cyberons, and after his friend Andrews is killed, he's the only caybakinetic oguhnism alive. This could be from Last of the Mohicans, but I never saw that one.

Don is of course the good guy in this movie, beating T-2 to the 'friendly kickass robot' trophy. The loss of his partner sends him into a sulking, whisky-sipping state, throwing us right into an intruiging sub-plot concerning a machine's capacity to feel emotions. While this might sound like an outworn concept, it's given new depth here, as we also have to ask ourself if Don is capable of acting these emotions out. Layers, people.

Cut to rich guy at moon base. Howard Morgan is toying around with his invention Ultradream, an advanced set of headphones that lets you dream while awake. At first, I was amazed by Howie's lack of imagination. Admit it, if you had the possibility to generate a fully believable fantasy, you'd go straight for the porn. Howie finds waterfalls and white wolves more interesting. Why don't you throw in a capricorn while you're at it, vanilla boy?

After a while the game is on, though. First titty shot in the movie. And yes, we're going to count them. Suddenly, Howard's wife Nancy enters the room, and he has to put on his 'I was just imagining I was bringing you flowers' look (not the one above). Nancy is offered a test drive, but doesn't want to. Instead, she tries to convince Howard he should stay on the moon with her for the rest of the day instead of attending an important meeting on Earth. Why corporate snobs would discuss matters in the slum is beyond me, but then again I don't really care. HAL 9000 from 2001 reminds Howard he should get a move on, and off he is.

After a sequence with Don grieving, we get to see Howard looking at attractive women while ordering fast food. Then, we are introduced to two of the bad guys: David Something and Sad Asian Guy. Again, I lost my notes. Sad Asian Guy isn't really all that sad, just a little drunk and out of control. And I don't mean out of control in a whoopass kung-fu way, he just can't keep his papers or face straight.

David and Sad Asian Guy work for the company Newbody. They make new bodies. You know, if your old one is busted. The tone of their voices and quasi-cryptical sentences suggest something is rotten in the state of California or Florida or where the hell this is. We won't know what evil plan they're hatching until later, so be patient. In the meantime, let's see what Howie is doing.

Of course, a strip joint is essential for a movie of this calibre. It's like with those guys who start fighting when they can't come up with a Xanderesqe one-liner: once a movie understands it sucks Marlon Brando's ass, it automatically spits out strip joint scenes like a llama Pez dispenser going through a grand mal.

In the club, a number of important events occur. We get our second tit shot, Howie makes out with his mistress, a woman I think is called Elana appears, and she gives Howard a disc. It may look like a floppy with a pattern of dents, but it isn't. It's a highly sophisticated storage device, and don't you forget it. On this disc is a lot of dirt on Newbody executives, and I think Howards company Virtual Reality Systems needs these guys to go down. Elana has more noble motives: she used to work for Newbody until she found out they are EVIL.

Watching Howard from a distance is David. And wouldn't you know it, Don Wilson also happens to be hanging out in the club. I guess they really do have the best dancers in town. Don, who I forgot to mention is a bounty hunter, locates a target, and beats the guy up to collect the reward. Howard observes this, and tells him to show up at his hotel to discuss an assignment.

When Elana leaves the club, David runs up to her and pulls her heart out with a modified blueberry picker device. That's right, he's an organ thief working for Newbody! Guess you didn't see that coming, huh? Meanwhile, Howard takes his girlfriend to watch a Laserblade match. Laserblade is a game where two people are strapped up in a machine where a deadly orb should be maneuvered over to your opponent, or you'll die. See what sorry a state the world is in? Still, I would prefer this future over the Demolition Man one, if it wasn't for the fat guy from Beetlejuice in a kimono.

David and his companion Chris Penn catch up with Howard and his girlfriend, and steal their organs as well. That's right, Chris Penn is in this movie. Before David guts the girl, Chris Penn pulls her right breast out of her top, just because he's Chris Penn. Tit shot #3. What's more important to these guys than Howard's alcohol stained liver, is the disc he's got. Nobody screws with Newbody.

A hobo called Two-1 is watching the shenanigans from behind a corner. He'll be important later. Well, not really, but I don't think I can get through the rest of the plot without bringing him up again, and I like the look on his face. It's the 'please tell me you didn't just open the Ark of the Covenant, Dave..?' look. I should know, I've practiced.

Nancy tries to contact her husband, but is told he's dead. To revenge his death, she travels to Earth, but all she manages to do the first day is to get robbed two seconds after she arrives. I know I should have shown you a picture of Nancy many paragraphs ago, but while she's one of the most important characters, she's not really that interesting. Plus, I need the space for pictures that help me illustrate the plot. Just keep in mind that she looks just like Kirstie Alley, and you'll do fine until I manage to squeeze her in.

What the heck, I can just as well squeeze three characters into one picture and save time and space. Believe me, there is such a thing as too much Futurekick. On the right we have the chief of police. In the middle is Nancy, talking to an old guy played by Robert Mitchum on the phone. On your left is Don Wilson.

Nancy contacts the police, but is told to go screw herself. After a lot of sobbing and pleading, the chief agrees to give her the address to her late husband's hotel, and tells her to go there and screw herself. Then he runs over to Sad Asian Guy and tells him he probably should have made Howard's murder look like an accident instead of opening him up, stealing his organs, and leaving him in the middle of the street. Sad Asian Guy looks sad. What, you expected the police to be anything but corrupt? Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend. All future cops are corrupt.

Sad Asian Guy sends hitman David over to the hotel to talk to Nancy about sharks. He's a professional killer, so he never misses any of Discovery Channel's Shark Weekends, and demonstrates this by teaching Nancy about how sharks hardly have evolved at all the last 65 million years. Only hitmen know these things. It's the law. Nancy thanks David for the info and walks to her husband's room, where Don is waiting. He's pretty miffed his new employer is dead, but two seconds after he's heard the news, he's hired by Nancy to find the killer. This is Donnie's lucky day.

To find out where Howard might have gone after he checked in, Nancy asks Wacky Black Securitas Guy. I wish I could tell you more about this character, but I have to cut some corners. Not only did have to exclude two Robert Mitchum characters, but the entire sub-plot about the Corporate Police hunting for Don Wilson had to go as well. Pretty much because they try to locate him for the entire duration of the movie, and when they finally jump out and attack him, he kills them in five seconds. Wacky Black Securitas Guy tells her everone who comes to Earth goes to the same place, and she should go there to look for her husband's killer:

Tit shots #4&5. Since there is little to find out at this particular strip joint, Nancy is redirected to another --

Recognized the sign, did you? This is where Two-1 hangs out, and he reluctantly tells Nancy about what he has seen. He tells her to ask his sister Tye if she wants to know more. You see, Tye was Elana's best friend. I know, it's a frigging soap opera. Tye doesn't want to talk, because she's afraid David will kill her. And later in the film, she does talk and does get herself killed. The reason why David finds out about Tye is the snitch on your right. He's out for a quick buck, but since David is a badass killer, he decides to cut his head clear off his shoulders using a fire ladder instead.

Then, he goes back to the --

Tit shots six through eight. After hanging around for a while, David bumps into Sean Penn and Don, and after a quick fight, Sean Penn reveals himself to be a Cyberon. After a scene with Two-1 and her sister in the

(Tit shot #9), we get a quasi-romantical scene between Don and Nancy. David hunts down Two-1 and kills him in a match of Laserblade. Then, like I mentioned earlier, he kills Tye, but not before she is able to call up Nancy and tell her David is to be found in Zone Rosa. And what's in zone Rosa?

Why, tit shots 10 and 11, of course. And Chris Penn and David. There's a little chat about Chris Penn being a Cyberon, but I didn't really pay attention. Apparently, he managed to hijack a mining vessel on the moon and made it to Earth. COUrutgerhauerGH! There's a big fight all the way through the locale (tit shot #12), and finally the fight ends in an alleyway where Chris Penn is fried in some kind of electrical device. Then David is killed in the Laserblade device. See, I told you we'd get back to that. Don Wilson is badly hurt, and Nancy is all covered in blood. But they'll make it, the brave soldiers. A big blue flash and then - -

Howard! But he's dead! I saw him... AAAAAHH YA GOT ME! It was all just an ultradream. The end. The clock stops at 1 hour 16 minutes, which doesn't qualify as a real movie in my book. But then again, my book also says 'Jeffrey Jones for president,' so pay no attention to it.

If I have anything to say as we conclude this evening's soirée, it's that Futurekick isn't really one of those movies you watch because they're crap. It's not really entertaining enough. It's one of the movies you watch because of the tit shots. And I got twelve of them noted down, so have a ball.