MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE February 17 2002

BEHIND YOU!
Cast

Dolph Lundgren
Frank Langella
Meg Foster
Billy Barty
Jon Cypher
Courtney Cox
James Tolkan
Chelsea Field

He-Man
Skeletor
Evil-Lynn
Gwildor
Duncan/Man-at-Arms
Julie Winston
Detective Lubic
Teela
Directed by Gary Doddard

Dolph Lundgren, Super Swede #1, is the perfect He-Man. He looks like He-man , he walks like He-Man and he delivers lines as convincing as his animated origin does. From there, it all goes downhill on a velocipede.

First of all, the script is even more stupid than the episode where Orko's uncle came to visit: Skeletor wants a key that allows him to travel through dimensions, and He-Man and his rebel group consisting of Man-at-Arms and Teela have to stop him from using it to take over Eternia. For some reason I can't seem to remember, the key transports He-Man, Man-at-Arm and an annoying dwarfish troll by name Gwildor to Earth, where they meet Courtney Cox and her idiot boyfriend.

"Could you me with a dollar help, hmmm?"

Every actor has his or her private Grease 2. Courtney's is Masters.

"Who's got the power, bitch?!"

Camera hog Skeletor sneaks up behind a sloshed He-Man

The reason why Gwildor is in this movie, is that Orko isn't. And the reason why Orko isn't is that he isn't Yoda enough (plus, creating a two-foot purple-clad levitating imp was probably beyond this movie's budget). Gwildor basically is Yoda, except that he's an idiot and looks like an lawn ornament with herpes and an alcohol problem. When Yoda says "Do. Or do not. There is no try," he's old and wise with a cute grammatical impediment. When Gwildor says "No Kevin. Only one... of you. Only one... of anybody!" he's just a nasty old troll midget.

The Star Wars rips don't stop there. In fact, the final third of the movie is the Emperor scene from Return of the Jedi, only with 'Luke' crossed out and replaced with 'He-Man' and 'Emperor' with... well, you know. Here is a transcription of the conversation I had with the guy who's giving it to my sister, Svein Ivar, while we were watching Masters at his place:

Skeletor: Bow to me!

He-Man: No!

Me: Hey, this is just like that scene in Return of the Jedi...

SI: "Now, young Sky-wal-kah, you will die!"

Me: I mean, all that's missing is the light sabres.

He-Man's sword: WHUUMH!

Skeletor's wand: WHOOOOM! (slightly more menacing)

Me: Oh, there they are.

Wand & sword: WHUUM *crackle* WHOOOM WHUUM *crrrkk* WHUUSH

SI: OK, now we have light sabres, a hero with a blond mullet, a cloaked villain with a raspy voice and a stupid Yoda clone.

Me: Now we only need a bottomless pit for Skeletor to fall into and disappear in a flash of blue light.

SI: Oh, look.

Skeletor: AAAAAAHHH!

Blue flash: Whuush! *crickle*

Me: Well, that was stupid.

SI: ThunderCats marathon?

Me: Sure, why not?

VCR: *wrrrrr*

Me: Goddamnit, Cheetara is hot.

In short, this is one of the dumbest movies ever created. Skeletor looks like he's got a a bad case of the mumps, Man-at-Arms the esquire has no armor to speak of, and the jungle planet Eternia looks like Nevada. Furthermore, how could they possible make a He-Man movie without BattleCat? Or Prince Adam? Everyone who watched the animated show as a kid remembers the adrenaline rushing through their veins when Adam held his sword aloft and yelled "I HAVE THE POWER!" Bah! If I had watched this movie when I was a kid, I'd be so disappointed I'd throw my Tongue Lashor action figure at the VCR.

A sequel was planned, but for some reason it mutated into Van Damme's Cyborg when noone was watching. Good for us.
Links:
- Buy the DVD at Amazon.com
- IMDb entry