C3PO MEETS BIG BIRD February 21 2002

Yesterday, I saw something so shocking that it blew my metaphorical hat right off: Raw footage from Sesame Street. The guest stars: C3PO and R2D2. All right, this technically isn't a movie, but I'm willing to stretch the categories a bit to include it.

The segments were in no particular order when I saw them, so I can't guarantee that they are presented chronologically here. You'll get the idea though. So sit back, relax and kick your shoes off. Then, place your shoes well out of reach, so you won't be tempted to use them to bash your monitor. Then, have a nice cup of cocoa before you sit down and relax again. This one is going to be painful.

Use your lasers! Shoot the frigging bird!
The material is obviously two episodes' worth, as the droids arrive twice. The first time, they apparently land in a space ship: a small yellow ellipse that appears to have been made in Microsoft Paintbrush. Now, I know Henson could do better than this! If it wasn't for the completed music numbers and editing, I'd swear it was a temp effect. To demonstrate how cheap it is, let me time myself while I make a similar object. Ready... set... go!

No it didn't, you little shit!

I think it's a space grouch with a plate on the stomach.

Translation: "...and then I will swear beauty herself is black... with a silvery top... and all thy foul are, that her complexion lack!"

You've said a lot of stupid shit in you life, C3PO, but this one takes the cake!
There! 59 seconds. Fifty-nine frigging seconds! Including color reduction and transparency settings! I've seen Star Wars ten times, and did I ever see a spaceship that looked like a squashed two-dimensional lemon? No, I didn't.

Now, onwards. Everyone makes fun of Big Bird and tells him he's been hallucinating when he tells them about the spaceship. Now, if I lived on a street where my neighbors were seven-foot talking birds and a rabid blue cookie monster, I'd be prepared to believe anything, but I guess everyone has to draw the line somewhere. Well guess what, the poultry was right! Soon enough, R2D2 and C3PO appear with a message for the grumpy guy who lives in a trash can. All the kids help them to him, and the holographic message is delivered. What the significance of the message is, I don't know. I think it was a greeting from an uncle from outer space or something.

After this, we have the obligatory alphabet song. And guess what? R2D2 sings! Yes, he sings! And you'd think that he was more advanced than a Casio keyboard, but you'd be wrong, he just beeps along without any interest for tones or pace. You know what, just hear for yourself:

R2D2 - The Alphabet Song

If you know me, you know how much I hate C3PO's jabbering. I hate his voice, I hate his whining and I hate his tone in general. Well, guess what? He sings too! And dances! I was just about to run and hide when I heard this, and now I will spread the horror that is C3PO's singing, just to get even.

C3PO - Beep

If you think things can't get worse, you are of course completely and utterly wrong: R2D2 falls in love with a fire hydrant. The insensitive C3PO immediately starts raving without thinking twice about R2's feelings: "So that's the love of your life?! R2, that's a fire hydrant. I'm telling you that's a fire hydrant! Firemen come along, attach their hoses to it, turn it on, and water comes out. I'm not joking!" After this verbal battering, the poor little dustbin rolls away whimpering like a little puppy. Now, I own the director's cut of Terror Firmer on DVD, but this still has got to be one of the weirdest things I have ever seen!

Haven't had enough yet? On page two, there is even more silliness: The banana pronunciation debate, communication with the deaf community and the second coming of the droids. Proceed with caution, though; This could ruin Star Wars for you. Forever!

Onwards to page 2!