An online aquaintance of mine recently mailed me a movie clip he felt I should see. This clip was so absolutely batshit insane that I of course had to know where it was from. To see if other people out there could have any leads, I uploaded the file to my domain and linked to it from a couple of forums with a notice that I would have to take it back down within 24 hours. Things went really crazy after that. The rumor spread to other forums and sites, and even after a couple of weeks of intense (all right, half-assed) research there still are a couple of hundred downloads unaccounted for. The appeal of this clip was obvious. Luckily, someone at No Carl No!, the former XE forums, could inform me that the movie I wanted was called A Chinese Torture Chamber Story, so the molestation of my bandwith wasn't in vain. Boy, it sure wasn't.
Well, since I live in The Far Corner of the World, it took a while for the movie to arrive. In the meantime I had managed to get my friends so psyched about the whole thing I was starting to worry about not delivering what they expected. What if the whole thing would turn out to be a giant letdown? I had after all just seen this one clip, hardly enough to warrant 90 minutes plus of delightful insanity. You've probably guessed the result by now, since I obviously have bothered to start writing what I'm estimating will be a three thousand word piece about crazy Asians. We bought the pizzas, we warmed up by watching The Untold Story: Human Fried Pork Buns, we popped the tops off the pops (not a drug reference, we just opened our bottles of soda) and we laughed uncontrollably for the next hour and a half. Seriously, I haven't laughed this much since I can't remember when. And I remember the days when Germany was two countries. Not that the Berlin Wall was all that funny, I'm just saying I was really young back then and that I can't remember laughing that much since that point forth THIS PARAGRAPH TURNED OUT HORRIBLY.
This historical erotic action thriller drama comedy fantasy horror farce has such a complicated narrative and so many elements, sub plots, intrigues and characters that I feel I need to make a reference collage to help you at all make sense of what I'm about to write. Below are some of the characters and how they relate to each other. Things get more complicated as we go along, but I don't want to get ahead of myself before I get started.
1: Little Cabbage is the protagonist of this movie.
2: Yang could be considered the other protagonist. He and Little Cabbage are charged with murder and adultery.
3: The judge employs torture devices every chance he gets and has a big pink hat made from feathers.
4: Hoi-sing is the judge's son. There is something fishy about him.
5: Jane is equally fishy, and also Yang's wife.
6: The nanny has extremely small breasts, and therefore nobody wants to have sex with her. In fact, rapists turn her down. Seriously, she volunteers as rape victim all the time, and the rapists just laugh at her. Rapists are mean sometimes. The nanny works for Yang and Jane.
7: Got has a freakishly long penis. We'll get back to this, since the size of said penis is the most important plot device in the movie.
8: Miss Lemontits hasn't really got a name. Since Got's penis is too large for any woman on the planet, this straw dummy comes in handy.
Not pictured: Lots and lots of characters. Most important of all plot-wise is Yang and Jane's servant, who's just as sex starved as the nanny. I'd put her in the collage, but the only good picture I got of her is just a close-up of her tits, and I'm trying to keep this page safe for work. I will fail miserably, but at least I'm making an effort.
Watch me fail. Ten seconds was all it took, and I blame the nation of China. Maybe some mosaic effects will save your job.
All right, here we go. Before the real action starts, we are introduced to the ten most popular torture methods during the Ching Dynasty. I didn't really understand a whole lot of this, since the narrator for some reason isn't subtitled, but among the most interesting methods are castration and skinning. The castration is pretty straightforward, except that after the castrator catches the severed penis in a bowl, he sticks a fluffy feather up the urethra stub. The skinning is however a little more interesting. The scalp is first split in twine with a big knife, and then boiling water is poured down into the open wound. This will apparently cause the torture wictim, who is buried from the neck down, to scream and jump out of his skin, leaving his birthday suit behind. This introduction isn't really all that important plotwise, but it sets the mood pretty effectively.
When we meet Little Cabbage and Yang, they are lying on the floor in front of the judge. The charge? They have been unfaithful to their spouses and killed Little Cabbage's husband by causing his penis to explode. No, seriously, that's how he died. The autopsy report reads 'Death caused by penis explosion'. Refusing to plead guilty, Little Cabbage is treated to twenty oar slaps on the ass. Then she damn near gets her fingers cut off by some device that's a little difficult to explain how works. You know when people tell you to fold your hands and point your fingers outwards and then they smack your hands really hard from both sides? Like that, only with razor blades. That's what you get when you kill your husband...
And this is where the story really begins. The lion's share of the movie is told in flashbacks, and unless I say otherwise, you can just assume I'm talking about the events that lead up to the hearing. So, how did Little Cabbage and Yang end up in such a pickle?
For reasons too unimportant to waste space on here, Little Cabbage is bought by Yang to serve in his house. This isn't some kind of slave deal, they both take a liking to each other as soon as they meet, much because Cabbage has small feet and Yang is a small foot fetishist. It's all very Chinese. That's Yang's wife Jane on the right. If she looks cunning and sinister, it's because she immediately grows jealous of Cabbage. Between and behind Cabbage and Jane you can see the flat-chested nanny, and on the left is the sex-starved servant girl. She looks at Cabbage lustfully, a detail that will be semi-important later on. Right now however, Jane's jealousy is more central to the progression of the plot. She suspects that Yang will attempt to take Cabbage as his concubine, which is a fancy word for 'mistress that your wife knows about but can't do anything about'. She is absolutely correct in her assumption, and Yang does indeed later in the movie try to sleep with her.
I might as well get this over with now, since this piece will move along even clunkier than it already does if I actually get into this at the point it actually happens: Cabbage won't sleep with Yang because she isn't officialy his concubine, and she won't become his concubine at this point since her parents were just killed and there's just too much going on at once. Yang gracefully refrains from raping her, and if we've learned anything from Asian games and movies, it's that a person who refrains from rape leaves Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa and lord Jesus Christ in his dust. So yeah, they're in love, and there was no adultery.
Back to Yang and his green-eyed wife: to keep Yang to herself, Jane wants to prove her abilities in bed. Yang pulls out a wide assortment of sex toys, among others what the subtitles refer to thus:
'First of it, Lustful Bell. It's for the introduction to wonderful sex. It will stimulate your tits to turn you on.'
It's all very scientific and rhetorical. The Lustful Bell is a lace bra with little bells and feathers on a coil to be placed in front of the nipples. Next: panties with fur on the inside.
'It's for stimulating your pussy to water you with semen.'
Riiight... I know I shouldn't judge a movie by the capabilities of its translator, but the subtitles do make an impact on your overall impression. When you get to read them, anyway. I actually had to ask my friends if I had missed the subtitles while I was blinking on multiple occations. And I had. Anyway, Jane really is quite turned on by this, and by the time Yang fills a silk sock with tea leaves and puts it in water to make it expand into the biggest dildo I've ever seen, she's ready to explode. Hooray for science! Meanwhile outside the door, Cabbage is eavesdropping. The lustful servant girl pops up from nowhere and makes a pass at Cabbage, who is so shocked and startled by the whole thing that she screams. Yang comes bursting out the door to find out what all the shenanigans are about, and falls over the two girls for slapstick relief. They scurry off before the master can figure out what happened, but Cabbage somehow left her tiny little shoe behind. It's very much like Cinderella, only Asian softcore.
We flash forward to the hearing: the judge calls for recess, and walks back to his office to find his mother and son sitting there. Hoi-sing is urged by his grandmother to tell the truth, and he reluctantly admits that it was he who killed Got by penis explosion. His father at once concludes, rightfully one might add, that his son has been having sex with Yang's wife and immediately tries to beat him to death. Granny cries that if he is going to kill his son, he might just as well kill his mother while he's at it. 'Mother!' cries the judge and runs over to the old lady to hug her while still trying to kill his son. There's a whole lot of shouting, crying and falling down going on, and then they all agree they have to frame Yang for the crime. Something is rotten in the empire of China, and things just got a hell of a lot worse for Little Cabbage and Yang.
If you're wondering why I haven't said anything about Little Cabbage's name by this point, it's because I don't know what to make of it. Seriously, what kind of name is that? Even if it's a pet name, it's pretty cruel. I for one wouldn't like anyone referring to me as 'Medium-sized Turnip' or 'Minor Carrot'. In fact, if anyone called me Minor Carrot, I'd considered my cage rattled to the point where I'd say 'Vow of pacifism schmow of schmasifism, I hope you like jigsaw puzzles, 'cause you're about to become one.' I'd do the same thing to anyone who dared suggest that I sometimes write complete shit just to make room for the next picture and keep my layout tidy.
'Bastard, tell me the true story!' exclaims the judge, and we are taken back to the main plot. While Yang is away on business, Hoi-sing is over at the sex doctor's to get a back rub and shop for ornamented dildos. While receiving his rub, he is delivered a love letter from Jane, and is obviously excited about it. To cover his tracks, he attempts to burn the letter, but fails to notice that the flame dies out while he's holding the piece of paper. When he rushes out to get himself some adulterous action, he bumps into the nanny. After looking puzzled at her chest and loudly concluding that she has no tits, he runs along.
We now are introduced to some bizarre subplot about the nanny being treated for her shortcomings bosom-wise. Apparently, if you fill a small bowl with dry grass, light it on fire, and then press the burning grass against someone's breasts, they will grow larger. Repeat with larger bowls and voila, enormous jugs. While this treatment is going on, the nanny finds a piece of paper that's slightly and incompetently burned. The plot thickens!
Meanwhile, back at Yang's place, Hoi-sing and Jane are having crazy adulterous sex. If it wasn't for a scene that comes later in the movie, I'd say this is about as crazy as sex scenes get. Shouting, screaming, steaming, throwing, file cabinet tossing sex. The entire building creaks and pleads for mercy as the two monkeys roar with passion. Both Little Cabbage and the horny servant girl rush over to the bed chamber to find out what the hell is going on, and I guess you all know where this is going: the maid is so turned on by the whole deal that she immediately takes her clothes of and rolls Little Cabbage's face back and forth over her chest. Not happy about this rape attempt, Little Cabbage bites her molester's tit at the exact same moment both Hoi-sing and Jane climax, and in the midst of their orgasm and shock they crash the bed straight through the floor.
Hoi-sing and Jane find themselves between a rock and a hard place, and have to get Little Cabbage out of the way before she squeals to Yang. Hoi-sing has a brilliant plan, and it is this:
THEY WILL MARRY HER AWAY TO GOT, WHO HAS A PENIS SO BIG THAT NOT EVEN HOOKERS DARE SLEEP WITH HIM. THIS WILL RESULT IN HER BEING TORN APART BY HIS PENIS ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT. GENIUS! THERE IS NO WAY I'LL BE ABLE TO WRAP THIS ONE UP BY THE 3,000-WORD MARK!
After she has been informed about what is going on, Little Cabbage stalks Got to see if the rumors really are true. She can soon witness his greatness: when he has to take a piss in the middle of the street, he simply lifts his trouser leg up above his knee and drops his manhood out. It dangles about at knee-height for a while, and then he proceeds by knocking a rat's lights out from the sheer velicity of his urine. Cabbage screams and runs away in a dramatic slow-motion sequence.
At the wedding night however, Got shows his true greatness: when Little Cabbage begs him not to have sex with her, he disappointedly climbs off her and tells her he would never ask her to do anything she doesn't want to. Drooping, he walks down to the basement, leaving Little Cabbage to find his messy sex doll under the bed. It's not a pretty sight, the crotch area looks ready to shatter from all the petrified semen. Desperate to get his mind away from sex, Got opens the wedding presents only to find a copy of the Kama Sutra. His erection knocks the table over, and he realizes he has to masturbate to keep his sanity. Little Cabbage sees this, and immediately warms up to him. She gives him a handjob to the romantic tones of Unchained Melody, and he soon spends a gallon of himself all over gong hanging on the wall across the room. This is the best movie ever, and it's about to get better.
On his way to his business meeting, Yang observes two warriors battling in the middle of the forest. I'd say the sequence was lifted from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but this movie is from 1995, so I guess fight scenes with people flying through the air and running on leaves is a common genre convention in this kind of movie. Only this isn't this kind of movie, it's not any kind of movie. It's just A Chinese Torture Chamber Story, and it stands alone. I'm of course assuming I'm wrong in this assumption, and I'm looking forward to stand corrected. Anyway, this is the the scene I was sent by e-mail, and from what I understand I'm not the only one who's been perplexed by its glory. So, to all of you who have wondered where the hell that file you got off of Kazaa was from, here is your answer. To the rest of you: find that file, or better yet: buy the movie.
Yang hides in the bushes to observe the fight. The warriors reveal themselves to be a man and a woman, and they have some kind of arguement about the man's abilities as a lover. He accepts her challenge, and they both rip their clothes off in one violent motion. The man grabs the woman by her crotch, shouts 'Invincible mouth!', and gives her oral sex. When he tries to flip her over and hold her by the ankles, she grabs hold of his thighs and shouts 'Oral attack!' before returning the favour. After throwing her several feet away, he charges against her. Both jump onto a thin branch at the very top of a tree, and proceed by having violent sex. I should probably mention that the sounds they make when thrusting against each other are - I'm not kidding - sci-fi laser beam sound effects. After making love across the treetops, they fly five hundred feet through the air while putting every porn star out there to shame.
For the big finale, the virile warrior throws his partner down to the ground, lands heavily on top of her her and performs the Invincible Wheel. I'll let the picture on the right illustrate just what the Invincible Wheel is. Afterwards, he grabs hold of her, spins upwards through the air, drills his way into the ground, burrows through the forest floor like a mole monster, reemerges, and ejaculates with such force his partner is blown away by the pressure. Several litres of his semen are splattered all over the nearby treetops, and - again, I'm being dead serious - his loom shoots sparks and starts a small forest fire. 'My invincible rod will expand when meeting water,' he explains, 'Do you know how great I am?'.
It's natural to feel inadequate at this point.
The warrior has been aware of Yang the whole time and orders him to come out from hiding. Fearing the worst, Yang complies. To his relief, the warrior is only concerned about his well-being: 'I am afraid you would feel too excited to hurt yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time. Let my wife heal your sexual problem.' Yang politely declines, but stays for roast chicken. Sitting by the camp fire, he learns all about sexual liberty from his new friends. As a token of their friendship, he gives them the Lustful Bell and the fur panties that he just happened to have with him on the way to a business meeting. The warriors are very pleased, and the sextastic fighter declares that he of course knows how to use them. 'Let's try these funny stuff, honey,' he enthusiasticly shouts at his wife before flying into the forest again. But first he informs Yang that if he ever needs help, he can always walk into the woods and follow the lustful cries.
Upon returning home, Yang is informed by his nanny about the letter she found as well as about the wedding. When he confronts his wife with this, she tries to attack him. 'Counter attack!' Yang replies before tieing her up, whipping her and kicking her square in the tit. There's some kind of sound effect in the background that I suppose is there to create suspense. The best way to describe it is as follows: say 'piiiiuuurrrrrrrrrr' at the top of your throat, and make sure you pronounce the 'r' like a true Scotsman. It's not very relevant, but I thought I'd mention it.
Hoooo boy. When bumping into Little Cabbage on the street, Hoi-sing tries to rape her there and then. He is thwarted by Got, and visits some kind of monkey-like wizard for assistance. He is given a spell that turns him invisible, and tries again. While Little Cabbage is trying to fight the invisible foe off, Got comes home to a truly perplexing sight. He soon kind of understands what's going on, and tries to keep the invisible Hoi-sing away from his wife by putting various spiky fruits in front of her breasts. Hilarity ensues. You can always count on the Asians for some good old slapstick rape.
As Hoi-sing is about to penetrate Little Cabbage, Got throws himself forth to catch the... ahem... bullet. Hoi-sing must really have worked up an appetite, he comes before even realizing he just raped Got in the mouth. And just when you thought this movie couldn't get any crazier... well, I guess it can't. This film has peaked, and I need the wrap things the hell up.
We cut to the present, lots of stuff happens. Little Cabbage is attacked and dildo raped in prison by two giant women, and there is a lot of torture going on. Yang is presented with evidence confirming his innocence, and he sends the horny maid and the nanny to the capital to appeal. They don't know how, and run into the forest, where they meet - you got it - the warriors, this time screwing like squirrels in a tree. Nothing new under the treetops, only now their thrusts give off a SNES 'bubble' sound and everything is in fast-motion. Some rapists appear, and the nanny tries to get raped. The warriors knock the rapists out and tell the maid and the nanny where to appeal. Yes, that's how the script writer pays the warrior characters off. To appeal, the maid learns that she has to roll naked over a bed of needles in front of a board of judges. The case is appealed, a new judge is assigned, and we get to know what really happened on the night of the penis explosion.
Got needs a potion to strengthen himself after the oral rape and the subsequent beating, and Yang offers to pay for it as an act of goodwill. Hoi-sing and Jane get hold of the prescription and add a deadly dose of aphrodisiac to the mix. Got drinks it, and gets the greatest erection the world has ever seen. He turns apeshit and tries to rape his wife, but manages to contain himself. He tells Little Cabbage to get out of the room before anything terrible happens, but her affection runs deeper than that. The little soldier tries to have intercourse with him, but he just is too big. As a last resort she masturbates him, and as he ejaculates, again to Unchained Melody, his penis explodes, flooding the room with blood.
Hoi-sing and Jane are tortured into confession, and their punishment is as follows: Hoi-sing is to be drowned in a cage for pigs, and Jane is mounted upon a wooden horse that has a stick on its back. When the horse rolls through the streets, the stick pounds into her vagina until her insides are turned into so much confetti while bystanders throw rotten fruit at her. Three cheers for happy endings!
All well that ends well, and Little Cabbage and Yang finally can live happily together. The nanny and the maid eavesdrop on the wedding night, and fall in love with each other. Unfortunately, the maid grabs the nanny's now gigantic boobs too hard, and they explode. Not a violent and bloody explosion, they just pop like balloons, and the nanny isn't as mad as she is annoyed. They'll be alright. The end.
Professor Kenji Sugimoto, Einstein's number one fan, makes a pilgrimage across the United States to find his brain in this incredible documentary/road movie.