STUPID TIE-INS: MISCELLANEOUS May 08 2002


This time, you're in for a bumpy ride (you can tell because there's a glow-in-the-dark LEGO Alan Rickman figure to the right). The jungle of stupid toys that claim to be connected to comic books or big-budget movies is vast and relentless, but stay together and you'll soon meet your loved ones again.

In most cases, the "miscellaneous" category would appear at the end of a listing, but this time we'll have to do it the other way around. Dramatic build-up, you'll see. Has the main villain even been killed in the beginning of a movie? No, he hasn't.

THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS PLAY SHAVING KIT

We'll kick this off with one of the craziest contributions I have been able to find: The Ghostbusters shaving kit. Now, you probably ask yourself "How is shaving connected to Ghostbusters?" The real question is: Why would an eight-year-old want a frigging fake shaving kit?! Everybody knows that the kid with the best toys always is king of the shool yard, while the poor sap with outdated toys is sure to get a decent thumping every other recess. Imagine what this could do to kids! When cool Simon arrives school with a Proton Pack, you know the new minimum is a Ghost Bopper, and if you show up with a fake shaving kit, the other kids will instantly cut your balls off with a pair of lazy school scissors.

DR. EVIL'S BAG OF SHHH!

Remember the scene in Austin Powers when Dr. Evil tells his son that he's got a bag full of shhh? Well, guess what, now you can own one too! If you squeeze this bag, it will - you got it - say shhh!

. . .

Who the hell thought this was a good idea?! It can't possibly entertain anyone for more than ninety seconds, and if word gets out you've bought crap like this, even your own mother will disown you. This is the kind of thing your thirteen years old cousin buys for himself, gets bored with, and then gives to you when Christmas comes around.

LAFFS TV TRADING CARDS

Look closer at the picture... Those are no ordinary trading cards! They're from Perfect Strangers, Family Matters and Full House! You know what this means, don't you? It means there are Bob Saget trading cards out there!

Gaaaaaaaahhhrr!!! This has to stop! I really mean it, I can't take this stupidity! I fucking hate the Olsen twins! And Urkel! And that guy who played Urkel's neighbor and who also was in Die Hard 2! And the way they all have their little chats in their kitchens with sappy music playing in the background! And how the audience goes "aaaaaaaaaaaw..!" afterwards! And I also hate the fact that these shows still air every goddamned day on Norwegian television! On two channels! The pox on you, Larry Appleton!

CHIA MR. T

Another product connected to Mr. T, the king of over-exposure. One day I'll have to write an article about this guy and his paralyzingly insane line of merchandise, but for now we'll settle with just a couple of items. First up is the Chia Mr. T: a rubber head in which you put seeds. After a while, you will see a green mohawk grow from the scalp of your favourite bad-ass! Now, I don't know about you guys, but I for one must say this makes sense on some level or other. I've tried to formulate exactly why for over an hour now, so I think I'll just give up and accept that in company with the rest of the items in this article, a Chia Mr. T is the pinnacle of saneness.

MR. T AIR FRESHENER

One of these days, I'll probably rename this category to "Toys and Other Stupid Physical Objects", but until then I'll just go for suspension of disbelief and hope that people will accept that an air freshener jumps up in the middle of an article about toys. I can see ol' T ventures the same approach; Here is a transcript from the picture on your right.

"I'm Mr. T - Just hang me up and I'll protect your car, your boat, your home - everywhere! Take it from me Mr. T!"

Willigers! An air freshener that protects your house everywhere! But! Before you log onto ebay and bid, ask yourself one question:

Onwards to page two: Spiderman's house of horrors